My name is Elisheva, and I’m an addict. Slightly ashamedly, I admit it, I am obsessed with BBC3 documentaries about dysfunctional parents. I crave Underage and Pregnant. I talk about Fast Food Baby to anyone who will listen. I could eat, sleep and drink The World’s Strictest Parents. So, loyal readers, on the menu today, Cherry’s Parenting Dilemma’s.
Cherry is in all kinds of quandaries about how to raise her baby daughter, Coco. (Should I point you in the direction of your first mistake mum? Clue- is your daughter in fact the face of a popular breakfast cereal?)
In order to help her with her struggle, she visits a bunch of mums, all helpfully tagged with superhero names.
I wont talk you through the whole show, as I dont want to ruin it for you, (she says hopefully, knowing you dont care) but some highlights for me, were overprotective mum, who warns her girls not to “talk to strangers, especially if you dont know them.” Great parenting and great grasp of the english language there mum. While watching her, I wondered how many strangers her girls tend to meet in the confines of their living room, which appeared to be the only place they were allowed to roam. Hearing her 8 year old daughter talk of her fear of being murdered and/or stabbed and kidnapped “like Maddie Mccan” truly shocked me. Overprotective I can forgive, showing your little girls newspaper articles of mauled teenagers to encite fear? -Oh hello, I wonder if you could help me.. is that social services?-
Workaholic mum is out from 7am to 5am in order to give her kids all the things they want. I say want, because the word need cannot be used to describe the endless stacks of video games and toys these poor love-starved children own. (They also have names like Kemeiya… seriously, tip of the iceberg.) Mum is extremely resourceful, and given that she has no formal training or qualifications, and needs £300 a day to provide for her childrens ever growing wants… I think you can probably fill in the blanks as to what kind of ‘work’ she spends her time employed in. I’d like to speak for us all when i say we are happy to have been without that pony we always dreamed of, if that is in fact the cost. Workaholic mum? A euphemism if ever I heard one.
Cue the Jewish mother, dubbed, wait for it, Pushy Mum. and her soundbite? Dear Emily, on behalf of jewish mums everywhere, we would like to thank you for,
“I would be willing to trade some of their happiness for good grades.”
Now far be it for me to say the BBC waste money, and maybe I’ll be thanking Cherry for her pearls of wisdom at some point in the future, but I’m not entirely sure we need a documentary in order to teach us the lessons she has taken away from her experience. To summarise:
- Dont become a stripper to buy your 5 year old his own Nintendo Wii, when you already have a family one.
- Dont make your 4 year old go to school 7 days a week, 9 hours a day.
- Dont let your 14 year old go to a rave when she has an alchohol abuse problem.
- Dont tell your kids that if you’d known ten years ago what the world would be like today you wouldnt have had them in the first place.
Glad I’ve written those down for future reference. For my final shout out of the day, one very big hats off to Hippy or “Liberal” Mum, who home-schools her kids and has somehow got away with convincing them that Washing Up comes right between Maths and Science in the school day.