Yizkor Etiquette (FYI)

There is a prayer in the Jewish holiday services, to honour the memory of people who are no longer with us. The widespread custom is that it is not said by people who still have both of their parents living. In many communities, those people do not even stay in the synagogue while the prayer is being said.

If I’m honest, I don’t really understand why that latter custom begun in the first place. When prayers are said by other parts of the community that I am not included in, (Men, Kohanim, those in mourning etc) I find it pretty self explanatory just to stand quietly and wait. After all, there is plenty of the prayer which is relevant to everyone, including a prayer for our soldiers and one for the victims of the Holocaust, something we all could benefit from being a part of. Surely it is an odd action in itself to get up and leave the building, basically abandoning everyone with the misfortune of having lost a parent or both.

Superstitious or not, I can however appreciate the reasoning behind it. And if your parents would rather you left the synagogue for those five minutes, or you yourself feel uncomfortable being there, then leave by all means.

But I do have a couple of small requests.

Given that we were standing having a perfectly normal interaction or sometimes even conversation 2 minutes previously, please don’t suddenly act like I have the plague. Yes, you’re being given a reminder that I once lost someone dear to me. I can understand your twinge of awkwardness. But not looking me in the eye? Stumbling over your words? Feeling the need to look apologetic as you leave the room? Bizarre. I do this four times a year, and sometimes it’s harder than other times, but I am in the same mood I was 4 seconds ago, I don’t suddenly need special treatment.

Which brings me to my second issue. The mad scramble for the door. This is different at different places, but in every congregation, there are the people who start gathering their bits and pieces together a good ten minutes before the guy shouts ‘Yizkor.’ They are standing by the door as soon as the Haftorah has finished, and they are pushing past everyone in their way to make it to the coridoor before heaven forbid, someone starts reading from their memorial booklet with them in the vicinity. What are you afraid of? That you might catch my dead parent virus? If its your custom to leave, then leave. In a normal manner. Exactly how you would regularly walk out a door, in a line, at a normal speed. Even if you disagree with me that it’s rude to leave in the first place, it’s certainly not polite to canter out the door virtually shouting silently that we shouldn’t confuse you with one of us.

I’m probably coming across kind of bitter, and it really isn’t that at all. And it certainly isn’t the fault of the people who leave. The custom should never have begun, because it feels to me almost anti what we stand for. Surely the very best part of Judiasm is that we are all accountable and responsible for one another, we share in each others joy and pain and we certainly don’t leave one of our own when we are in need. So where did this custom start, that we should segregate ourselves, even for twenty minutes a year into orphaned and not orphaned? Speaking for myself, and I only say one small portion of the service, it is a very lonely feeling to watch everyone hotfoot it out of the room at arguably one of my most vulnerable times. How must it be for the older members of the community who have so many dearly departed to remember and miss?

I don’t know where it started, and I hope that those who don’t mind either way, would start to make a point by staying in and standing quietly with their prayer books firmly closed. But even if you can’t, or simply don’t want to, I hope you’ll think twice before you push me out the way in your eagerness to leave.

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3 Comments

  1. MW

     /  May 29, 2012

    You may have stumbled in to my #1 pet peeve

    Can I please add

    1) If you are in a shul where the Rabbi says, “It is our minhag for everyone to stay in for Yizkor” listen to him.

    2) If you don’t need to say Yizkor wouldn’t this be a wonderful opportunity 4 times a year to think about how lucky you are and say a prayer in appreciation of what you have. There is such a prayer in our liturgy, some Shuls publish in in their Yizkor Booklets. If yours doesnt, look for it, it is a beautiful and meaningful custom to adopt

    3) If you need to leave out of respect for your parents who are still with us, dont stand outside behaving as though you are already at Kiddush… we can hear you!

    4) Please remember to come back. Yizkor is REALLY short – the bit that you “need to leave” for is at most 5 lines long. You do not need to be out of the room for the Azkara for those who lost their lives in the Holocaust or defending Medinat Yisrael… or do you not mourn them?

    5) If someone can explain to me the logic of this Minhag I would LOVE to hear it, the way I understand it, is that whilst memorialising my mother, I might look around the room and be jealous and give an eyin hara to those who still have theirs. This is daft. I’m much more likely to do that to someone who behaves as though my loss is so foreign to them they cant even see it; or who as a prepare myself to do this leaves the room to have a chat and a premature whiskey.

    Ok, my apologies, rant ends here.

    Reply
  2. Oh I so agree! Especially with #3.. I cant believe I forgot to add that in! Great response, thanks for taking the time to add!

    Reply
  3. Maybe we should all leave a dozen times a day when something doesn’t apply to us (different nusach prayers for example)

    Reply

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