Daaaad? What does ‘Rewind’ mean?

Lately, I feel like I’m getting old.

Obviously not old, in the real sense of time. I have all my own teeth and hair, can still just about run for a bus, and can make spontaneous plans without having a nervous breakdown over the change in routine. But I am feeling slightly left behind. New technology is starting to confuse me, I find myself complaining about bands which truly are “just noise”, and I’m not ashamed to say that when I get an invite for an event past 9pm, my first emotion is fear that I may not be home by 11 to make my midnight sleep curfew.

So with this newfound ancient-ness, I am having a nostalgic look into my fleeting youth, and thinking about what R will never experience in the same way that I did.

1. Cars. Clearly he will experience some kind of car, but I really dont think it can be compared to my recollection of motor vehicles. Remember these?

  • Wondering whether you were really hot enough to make it worthwhile winding down the window? (a phrase our kids will douibtless never even say)
  • Debating the cost/benefit of opening the window on a motorway? (if you do, no one will be able to hear each other any more and you’l get bits of god-knows-what in your eyes, but if you dont, you may die of heatstroke)
  • Only being able to have music until you were out of the London area? [Ps-how rubbish is radio??] Then being subjected to someone’s ‘mixed tape’ that they assure you is amazing. It isn’t.

The mode of transport of today, with CD players, USB ports for iPods, windows which open at the press of a button, silent air conditoning, spacious seating, tinted windows and the like, are pretty much the equivalent of comparing the cars of my childhood with a horse and buggy.

2. Computers. Here are just a few of the computer-related things that he will never experience.

  • The sound of your computer actually dialling the internet.. How did we put up with that for so long?
  • When illegal downloading was a huge hassle and it was actually worth the money not to have to spend a week waiting for a movie to download.
  • Word Processors. Were they basically just a huge machine that only had Word on? This is actually the Amstrad that I had in my house. I was so cool.
  • When you were on the computer, you were at home, on the computer. In the computer room. Or at the computer desk. Certainly not in the garden. Or in Starbucks.
  • Watching movies on your computer? What-like on a CD ROM type thing? That’s incredible.

Other things my son will never know about.
– Blockbuster video (including videos in general)

– Walkmen and Discmen and the short lived Mini-disc players. (What an epic fail that was.) Remember having to choose what music you wanted to listen to that day first thing in the morning?

– Mobile phones with Aerials, and Keypads. I remember promising my mum, that if she bought me the Nokia 3210, I would never ever need another mobile phone in my life, because I simply couldnt imagine a more modern cell phone. Here it is.

– Setting the video to recorrd a show. Calling home to make sure your parents remembered to record a show. Being excited to watch the video, only to find out they’d missed the end or taped over it. Then having absolutely NO way to see it, no catch up, no I Player, no +1 channel.

– Terrible photos that cant be deleted. Going to get your film developed and looking through the photos. This one I’m kind of sad for him about, as it was just the most fun to see photos you’d pretty much forgotten taking, and to be excited over the ones that came out well. Digital photography definitely saves a lot of embarassment and money though.

I’m really okay about all of these things being gone, and I think for the most part he is better off for all the new technology of this generation. What scares me a bit is that he will have his own list of technology which no longer exists when he has his own children, things that we dont even know about yet. By then I may be one of those grandparents, that (with all the effort and good intentions in the world) cant turn predictive text off their phone, keeps emailing their entire address book simultaneously, and calls your new smartphone a “blueberry.”

In short, I may be like these two. http://youtu.be/FcN08Tg3PWw

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If you have so much money, send me a cheque.

Fireworks. Literally burning your cash. Does anyone enjoy more than the first one? Doesn’t everyone secretly wish they were a bit less noisy? When watching a display, I’m certain I’m not the only one hoping it’s nearly over in between my oohing and ahhing. It’s been left unsaid way too long, I’m gonna go ahead and break the silence. Fireworks, are boring. Worse? Photos of fireworks.

To continue this theme, I present to you..

My top colossal wastes of money, in no particular order.

1. VUE Cinema. I lied, this one is definitely in order. The cinema has become the hugest waste of money I could ever imagine. It wasnt enough that we were paying close to £10 to watch a movie that will be out on DVD in about 2 weeks time, and was available to illegally download 2 months ago in better quality than what’s on the big screen. It’s not enough that you’ve now introduced VIP seating, which you’re not allowed to use with Orange Wednesday, and basically stops you sitting in half the cinema unless you want to add another £1.50 onto the ticket. Now you’ve started allocated seating, so I have to spend the entire trailers and first quarter of the movie listening to people saying “excuse me, thats my seat.” What is wrong with you? It’s popcorn, it costs about 30p to make that entire glass cabinet.. (Come to think of it, why is the popcorn on display, we know what popcorn looks like.)
The worst part is that there are SO many incredible independent cinemas in London that cost the same or less, have no noisy dirty kids, have good courteous service, great and interesting snacks, and are dying because everyone’s busy double parking on the pavement at north finchley every weekend.. Google people!

2. Pop ups. Who do these work on? I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m surfing the internet and any pop up at all appears in front of the screen I originally loaded, my only reaction is annoyance. I’m certainly not going to buy a random product / fill in your survey.. And I’m definitely not going to click on your virus link. No one believes they’ve won a laptop. No one believes they are the unique winner just because you’ve written the word ‘you’ in red letters and worked out what time it is right now. Who is buying pop up advertising space, and why?

3. Personalised number plates. I dont get it. I’ve done some brief research on them, and found nothing to be impressed by. It’s not clever, it’s never accurate, and it’s so expensive! Who has £33,360 to be R 900 ?? or £4,350 to be Y900 DAN ??
Look at this gem for a mere £15,000

Genuinely stumped. Are you telling the world that you’re foxier than 900 others? Is your name Fredrick Xavier Yeats and you live at that number? What is the point? Get a bumper sticker, fool.

4. Anything you buy a child below the age of 4. Because they have the attention span of pigeons.

Agree/Disagree? Any to add to my list?