What a pain in the…

I have an idea. Hear me out before you call me crazy. Kids should be born with a full set of teeth.

Wait, you promised to hear me out. Let’s list the issues first.

  1. Breastfeeding would be a trickier option.
  2. They may bite themselves or do other damage with sharp teeth.
  3. You’d need to brush them straight away from birth.

Acknowledged. Lets tackle them in order. 1. Plenty of people breasfeed their kids well into toothy peg years and beyond. (Fodder for another blog methinks.) Most people that seriously breastfeed don’t stop until their little one has at least one pearly white. I often see it on mum forums, “My baby bit me, what should I do?” and plenty of the pro feeding mums get out their free hands to type encouraging messages and discussions of “take them off, say no sharply, they’ll get the message pretty quickly” etc. If they manage to power through and teach their baby not to bite, we could all do it too. Lets face it, we have enough things to teach our kids, I’m sure one more wouldnt kill us.

2. I’m not sure they would bite themselves, cause in my experience (which isnt vast) my baby didnt put his hands anywhere near his mouth in any effective way for 4 months.. and he only managed to keep it there about a month later, by which point he was already teething. Of course this may have been due to his sight issues.. Either way, we develop scratch mitts for nails, I’m sure we could come up with something for mouths. And nails are much more annoying, there was a point in time where I was cutting/biting his nails about 3 times a day they grew so fast, and no one is suggesting babies should be born without nails.

3. Brushing. Ok, I think we’d all get used to it. When theyre little its basically a game of trying to fill the time between morning and night while feeling like we’re spending time with our baby. I think many of us would welcome a new chore to add to the list.

Have I convinced you? While I was pregnant, my friends will attest to the fact that one of my biggest fears was having a baby with teeth. I actually had nightmares about it. I imagined being handed my baby boy for the very first time, smiling down at him, and receiving a full gleaming white smile right back. -shudder-

However, since R’s first tooth at 6 months on the dot, (an event to which I actually shed tears believe it or not) I have rapidly changed my mind.

Here are a few (but not all) of the symptoms to which my research tells me are most likely ‘nothing to worry about signs of him teething.’ These are a mixture of friends, internet and doctors advice.

  • red blotchy face
  • regular waking at night
  • CONSTANT whinging
  • half eating food and then throwing it/dropping it
  • needing to be carried all day long (I now have a bad back. my LO isnt so L anymore)
  • changing his mind daily on whether he is starving hungry or completely devoid of appetite. (leading to enough food for a small country being wasted)
  • such bad nappy rash that we have three creams for it.
  • an inability to do the simplest things for himself. Hello? Learn to get dressed already.

Ok. That last one may not be entirely down to the teeth thing.

So now I’m left with what seems like an ill baby, but with no antidote other than to wait and see if a tooth develops. With teething signs common up to a month before the tooth appears, and with a kid expected to get 18 teeth by the age of 2.. I think you can do the maths. It basically equals One Unhappy Ima. I now shed tears, but not the joyous kind.

So I put my thinking cap on, and this is what I’ve come up with. It’s too late for me, but save yourselves. This Yom Kippur, you know what to daven for. Health, happiness, and full sets of infant teeth on our newborn babies. Do it now, Thank me later.