The Usual Suspects… of the Mums Forum

Parenting is probably the most judgmental field around. The idea of being a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ mum, although frowned upon, is in every new parents mind, and whether we have one newborn baby, or seven kids aged 0-20, we all have our opinions. In person, we try and limit what we brag about, moan about, and definitely how much we judge other parents. Online however? No such qualms exist. The Internet is absolutely full of mums who just cant wait to have their say, as if there aren’t literally thousands of women reading what you’re writing and invariably mouthing expletives at their screen in frustration at your idiocy.

I give you, The Usual Suspects.

Mum who doesn’t know how good she has it
This mum is like nails on a chalkboard to most parents, new or otherwise. She has a really good baby, a really easy time of it, and yet insists she is doing terribly. Yes, it’s all relative, and we all have our hard days, but worries like “No matter what I do, my daughter wont sit in her bouncy chair for longer than 45 minutes” or “My baby is 9 days old and never sleeps for longer than four hours at a time” are going to get you slapped.
Ditto with parents who complain about how difficult taking their kids on long haul flights multiple times a year is. Oh, I’m so sorry you’re going on holiday… Again.

My unhelpful answer: I hope God sends you twins next time. 

Panicky Mum
Can I give my 1yo raisins? Can I put any sunscreen on my daughter? What kind of towels are best for my baby’s skin? Should I wake my twins up, they’ve been sleeping for four hours? Can I eat chocolate while I’m breastfeeding? My baby ate 4ox and normally eats 4.5oz, what should I do?

My unhelpful answer: Do whatever you want. it doesn’t matter. And take some Prozac. 

Negligent Mum
My son has had this rash for three days. It started like this… -shows photo- and this morning I woke up and it’s like this. -shows additional photo- Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

My unhelpful answer: YES. Doctors have. I guarantee they’ve seen lots of rashes. You might even say it’s their JOB. The next one of these I see is getting a visit from social services you awful awful parent. 

By the Book Mum
This mother is generally a first time mum, although not always, and has been fooled by books and faux friends into thinking her baby is able to be programmed according to a schedule laid out kindly for her in pre-read literature. She is puzzled as to why at the six week mark, her newborn didn’t immediately start sleeping through the night. Why at six months, her son doesn’t love pureed cauliflower and lentil mush, made exactly how it was outlined on page 28.  Why after exactly two hours of playtime, her baby doesn’t seem sleepy.

“My baby is 6 weeks old, and doesn’t seem to be able to sleep through the night. He generally sleeps 4 hours, and then 3 hours, and then anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours. I’m so tired, and if I try not feeding him, he just screams! How can I routine him?”

My unhelpful answer: Babies cry. Newborns need feeding often. Routine is not a verb. 

Fake Bragger
Disguised as a question, but really a blatant showing off fest, they normally start like this. 
“Is it normal that my 2 month old is making loads of noises already? This morning I swear she said mama! What’s that about?”
“I’m just wondering if it’s okay that my 7 month old took his first steps today… like is it safe for his ankles as he’s soooo teeny?”
“Has anyone experienced a week old baby sleeping for eight hours? My baby has done it two nights in a row now, and is putting on weight really well, and the midwife said it’s fine, but do you think I should be concerned at all?”

My unhelpful answer:  Shut up. NO ONE CARES. 

Negative poster
This one might in fact be my Mother in law. To every question, and every response, she basically answers “That’s really dangerous.” Sounds easy at first, but it’s actually a challenge finding negative answers to some posts. 

  • Baby in his own room? Nope, death by neglect.
  • Baby in my room? No way, attachment issues.
  • Which formula? You should be breastfeeding.
  • Should I stop BF now? Yes, do you have separation issues?
  • Can my kid have crisps? No, she’ll become obese.
  • Should I give her carrots? No-she’ll choke. 
  • Experience with trampolines? Broken bones. 
  • Experience with bikes? Car accidents. 
  • Experience with cuddly toys? Suffocation.

My unhelpful answer: I’m surprised you were brave enough to turn on the computer. Especially Facebook, don’t you know, someone is hacking into your account and identity thieving you RIGHT NOW.

The Seller
Not interested in giving or receiving advice, this lady truly subscribes to the idiom of one woman’s rubbish is another’s treasure. Except it generally isn’t. “For sale, 24 bottles and teats.” “10 cloth nappies, nearly new.”  What?! How can you think anyone wants those? More annoying still, “for sale, various toddler toys, all need a good clean but in good condition.” So clean them! Surely that would make it a more desirable sale?

My general rule: If a charity shop wont take it, we probably don’t want to spend a tenner and drive to Frogmore for it either. 

Noticed any other Usual Suspects to add to my list?

Leave a comment


  1. So funny, I knew people like you just described, but of course I wasn’t one of them!!! Just kidding, I’m sure I fit in there somewhere, but I’m not admitting to anything.

  2. Very honest post. I really enjoyed reading it. We all have our own personalities as mothers; and while not everyone may like who we are and what kind of Moms we are, the most important thing is that we do what we think is best for our kids.

  3. Suzi

     /  July 4, 2013

    Love this and so so true. Every word!

  4. Karen

     /  July 4, 2013

    Brilliantly written. Made me giggle. Please tell me you are writing a book . . . I want to buy it!

    • Hello favourite comment ever! I’ll be sure to send you a free copy as and when, 🙂 Meanwhile thanks for making my day!

  5. One more seller..the ones who think their crap is worth a lot simply because it was never used and proceeds to post on four selling groups twice a day until they get the hint nobody is interested in a tomy baby carrier for twenty quid just bc they are trying to recoup their loss.

    One more mother…my child had the same..only worse, wr swear by this paediatrician (private naturally) as if they have tried all the others in the kingdom and found them lacking :). Recommendation questions turn into votes.

    Great post. I’ll add you to my feed.

    • I once saw a lady trying to sell a £2.50 ring binder about twice a day for two weeks! She kept posting photos… even though they were cheaper in Rymans! I almost bought it to stop the posts. 😉

      Thanks for stopping by!

  6. jodi

     /  July 4, 2013

    What about the wanna-be mediator who comments on all posts during heated/controversial debates and agrees with what everyone says eventually taking sides with the person who gets the most likes

  7. sarah

     /  July 5, 2013

    This is hilarious! Very well written

  8. Kirsty A

     /  July 7, 2013

    Hehe brilliant read while my 6 month old wriggles on the bed grunting and trying to fill his nappy (I’m going to be here a while- write more brilliant stuff please!)

  9. Suzy Lane

     /  July 7, 2013

    Briliantly written! Great fun to read and thanks for such a funny way of writing the truth!

  10. Yaeli

     /  July 7, 2013

    I’m kvelling from your sudden fame 🙂

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